Greetings and Salutations

I've been really busy, so...

That's all I've got for now, mon petit chio.

See You Next Tuesday!

My hard drive disappeared and had to be replaced.

My iPhoto is

iEmpty

and I have no idea what my flickr/yahoo sign-in is.

There was an(other) email incident at work, and I have been crying for at least 4 minutes. I don't want to go back there again. Too bad I have so much to do! 

F

R

I

C

K

One Luke Gardner moved away with wife and baby and we can't wait to visit them. 

We feel badly for all the sisters who had a Brother Move Away Day- 

those are never fun.

I don't care if you don't like this/that/the other thing.

Smooch.

mle

 

Ankle Bracelet House Fire

holiday card?

Ruby Tuesday

Today at work my co-worker (as in co-usin) and I were leaving, going the long way to the bank, and then starbucks. We were spotted by this person who we do not like who said 

"Oh you're going to starbucks? I'll just pack up my stuff and come with" 

and she scurried down the hall. I said "no thanks" after her, but I don't know if she heard.

I pressed the elevator button and it came, I got on and my panicked co-worker jumped in after. 

We got to my car and drove away. As we drove up the street, I saw her walking in the parking lot. 

Oops. Super immature and especially unprofessional. Alas.

After the bank, we sat outside in the warm warm sunshine and toasted the sky for baby Grace to come tonight.

I posted a sign re: my missing daily diary and then hours later I found it! Sweet glorious mary. Twas in one of the big cabinet drawers under some files. Yay I'm so happy.

My sister is coming over and I hope she brings her laptop so we can facebook people at the same time- like gang up on people. Awesome.

You look lovely today.

Emily

You Are A Crazy Nightmare

Very interesting things happened at work today, and instead of it being all crazy and dramatic-

it ran quite smoothly. Thanks documents!

I am very irritated as my moleskine daily dairy disappeared off of my desk today and in addition to being irritated- I am 

tres

sad. 

It has to show up.

I must say, I've been missing my cousins a lot lately.

I might drop out of book club.

I'm getting ready to watch Gossip Girl, and then facebook is coming over, so I have to go.

Ok then.

I'll see you later.

OK, ya, good to see you.

Drive safe now.

Bye-bye then.

Peanut Butter Packets

Many good things:

A quick trip Yankton with my hus-b, twas lovely. 

This girl I know- she's tall and very interesting and she smokes, and sometimes I'm like 'she smokes' as a way to justify my pathetic smoking- 

she is quitting tomorrow. That gives me hope for some reason.

(I will take any)

Someone cleaned my house today- fuck yeah mother fuckers. 

Awesome.

Tomorrow is Wednesday and I am having ladies over to my dog-and-husband-free, cleaned-by-a-cleaning-lady, house.  

I will clap for you.

Emily

 

UberMusey

I just got my own office at work and it's pretty sweet. 

type type type I can't really write what I want to write here... type type

This is currently the most organized square footage of my house.

Some other time, 

I took my sister to the ritz for a very belated birthday present.

There were no husbands or gdks around-

twas lovely.

Though the "reconnect"package was probably targeting lovers, I would highly recommend it

with anyone you like.

We had dinner at elways

made coffee in our room- late-night

and enjoyed our $40 brunch voucher in the morning.

On a bronco sunday

I watched these 3 kids

and they kicked my ass.

Mostly this one.

I was out of ideas by 4:00. 

Today I listened to 

love

lock

down

lovelockdown-

twice.

I wish I had some candy.

(tuesday!)

From Emily

also- I would like to take back the very few times (like once) when I actually wrote the word 'post-nuptual'

Light Rail

kind of boring- better than nothing

my new fave song is Love Lockdown 

and I'm reading The Master Butcher's Singing Club. 

Still trying to find knitting lessons 

so sorry about your christmas present this year.

Cold Sunday Hug

Emily

Bad Dreams with Kristi Yamaguchi and Lance Armstrong!

Hello velvety cunts, I've been dreaming

dreaming

dreaming

about you.

I went to my first book club last week and it was THRILLING. The book that we had to read was Water for Elephants (or something like that) and I finished it in 3 days. It's no Geek Love, that's fo sho. But, I'm in a book club

so 

suck 

on 

that. 

I've been avoiding my garden for weeks, venturing out on occasion to steal it's juicy fruit. I went out this weekend and sadly, there was a pole bean disaster. (hi jesus!) I picked up the poles and 'tried' to steady them

but they just fell over again

so I left them.

And stole their beans anyway.

There are now 2 fans (who sought me out, I'm sure there's more) of the Vandertuin on the 9th floor of 4600 and it totally makes me feel happy and good.

On Saturday I went to a Future Cousin Baby Shower and it was lovely. It makes us pine for a beeb.

Lately I've been thinking about:

how much a censored blog sucks

how hard it is to work for your husband

(where are you marriage?!)

how gross and slimy coworkers can be

how gross and slimy men can be

and thanking my lucky stars for books to take my mind off all of the above. 

I also appreciate the rebooting of my social, out and about self (you can not cage me)

and the lack of medication. 

I've been pondering a post-nuptial agreement for my

state

of 

mind

and craving REALLY GOOD MUSIC.

If you send me a mix I will send you five dollars. 

If it's good.

Today is Tuesday

and I'm away from the toxic tech center

and grateful for Sputnik

good music (at Sputnik)

Charles Bukowski

husbands

family

my trainer

you

(especially you)

ice cream

you

(you you you)

and old people.

Kick me in the teeth

I hate you

I love you-

Emily

Judgmental Hooker?

Hello lovely lambs

(and sad republicans)

My secret facebook cousins came for a night and

it was super fun.

It was the first Cousin Party for the Under 10 Set

and children were passed out everywhere. 

I didn't smoke at all today, and when I got home Chuck Bass was like "hey smelling good lady touch my boner..."

and then the dog farted.

This

blog

blows.

Bonsoir.

Does Your Huz Wear A Toupee?

Hello lovelies.

Tis a lovely September day. I've been working every day and there has been no Crying Like a Fucking Woman. I have found facial expressions and rolling of the eyes to be somewhat helpful. Cigarettes also assist in suppressing. 

There is an apb out on this cat who lives in Park Hill. I hope he turns up, BNeeLee.

I started seeing my trainer again at his new dojo (like Elvis!) and it is tres wonderful. In addition to the ass-kicking workouts, the dojo is beautiful and serene. I highly recommend. Working out helps me

work

some

shit 

out.

Though I could do without the jumping jacks.

My brotha, who is finally blogging (finally!), is taking me and my sister out for lunch. This lady loves a free lunch.

My friend facebook found a new batch of cousins for me that I didn't even know I had. Some of them just happen to be moving from one state to another and are stopping in Denver for a last minute Who Are You cousin party. I find this to be thrilling. I secretly hope they are mormons or something kooky like that.

Work Tip of the Day: Leasing Macs through Apple is rather nightmarish at times (call this number, call this number, call this number)- though not as bad as dealing with AT&T. Installing windows via a parallels on the MacBook Air is super suck city. The MacBook Air is totally dumb and a huge waste of money (that we don't have). I do not recommend. 

I hope you have a glorious day, Gorgeous!

swak-

M

L

E

Like A Fresh Pair of Underwear

Thank god yesterday is o-ver.

I went to Walgreens and bought a giant box of tampons, a really dumb book, a pregnancy test

(negative)

a giant bag of maxi pads, another pregnancy test

(negative)

and now I'm just painfully waiting.

Frickity frack don' talk back!

Today I wore my new Tom's wrap boots to work with a dress, but they are a little bit confusing, and they don't hold their wrap very well. I do not recommend. Perhaps they are not for the bird-legged.

I've also been wearing my new pendant from The Woods and I'm sure you will be tres jealous of the total fabulousness! 

Work Tip of the Day: Don't open kombucha tea at your desk.

The end.

I'm So Glad You Told Me- The Edited Version

Ready for a downpour?

My husband started a business a few years ago and last year I quit my retail job (after working there for close to a year I was almost out anyway) to work for him full time. It's been an experience full of drama, bullshit, learning, no health insurance, learning, drama, bullshit, learning, no money (save for the occasional guilty pleasure), 

more DELETE

more DELETE

more DELETE-

being in a position where I feel the fiercest emotions of protecting what I think I'm supposed to be doing- I equate this to the closest feeling of motherhood that I'll ever get. This is, after all, my husband's dream. I am happy to join his dream adventure, as being his main lady is my number one dream. Me, some uneducated lady, assisting him as he builds a successful company.

2007 was full of sneaky bastards and some major mistakes. 2008 has blessed us with some amazing people who've joined our team and who work relentlessly to make his company strong. As the QuickBooks lady, there have been times of irritation as I struggle to figure out things like taxes, DELETE. Some days have been frustrating- like DELETE when we're DELETE. But I understand that it's par for the course and stifling my overly-active

(times 1 million)

emotions which have 

no 

place 

in the 

work

place

has been personally challenging, but necessary. 

However-

however, 

there is only so much a lady (this lady) can handle.

My husband told me a while ago that the person who handles expenses is always the least liked person (I find this to be crushing news). That sucks. Most of my job experiences have been unusual (to say the least), and full of out of the ordinary, twisty and entwined relationships with people. It's taken me a long time to come to the realization that co-workers aren't there for friendships. Accepting this fact has taken even longer. But I get it now, I really do. I sit in the back of our office at my desk, knowing that the employees think the only reason I'm there is because I'm 

The Wife.

I've stopped protesting things like DELETE (even though I thought that was part of what I was supposed to be doing), stopped pushing for things like DELETE even though I'm the only person there DELETE

(did I mention that doing the books also comes with the hideous job of being the HR person?)-

I've been stifling my feelings,

trying to learn,

trying to be good, trying to be supportive

but being The Wife at the office is 

wearing

on

me.

One of our previous employees (who happens to be a beloved family member- alert!) wants to come back to work and even though the way things were left previously (it's hard out here for a cousin) were a little weird, sad, and frustrating (for a lack of a better explanation)- it makes total sense for the company and I support it 110%. I have voiced my support for this on more than one occasion-

not that anyone was listening.

There was a meeting today with my husband and his 2 directors regarding the situation and I pushed my way into being a part of that conversation as I've been working for said company longer than anyone else and I actually had some valuable things to add to the discussion. During the course of the conversation, it was clear that my DELETE was a factor DELETE  (it's hard out here for The Wife!). I desperately wanted to tell the 2 directors that I wasn't the most

Evil

Cunt

Ever,

but I didn't. 

Well, I tried a little. But only because other people were being offered the opportunity to express themselves. But alas, the conversation quickly went South, and in true lady fashion I got a tad teary in my frustration for being completely disregarded. The 2 directors left my husband's office, and before there was even any spillage of tears my husband told me to 

DELETE A DELETE Woman

and

DELETE At Work.

When I told him he would never say that DELETE-

it was only followed by a barrage of confusing information about business, and how

I DELETE (condensed version)

and an even more confusing-to-decipher grouping of words that I could only understand to mean that 

I Am DELETE.

 

 

I feel sick, and slightly confused

but there's also some clarity

and a desire to never feel or say anything ever again.

There were a few minutes of wishing I could DELETE just so I could have DELETE-

but we all know that I would never say that out loud 

and I would never ever actually mean it.

 

5 cigarettes, a banana, a cambric

and one blog post later- I dread going home. The only thing I can think to do is go to the bookstore

and buy myself a book. Take it home

read it in the bathtub

and wait for my period to start.

I feel confident in my ability to return to work tomorrow and proceed as usual, but with a DELETE. Though I want to vomit.

 

Anyone?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Love the Backyard

I took about 60 tomatoes to work yesterday and left them in the lunchroom with a note that said help yourself. An hour later I walked by and there were a bunch of people grabbing my tomatoes, balancing as many as they could in their hands. One lady popped a little one (roma, cherry? I don't know all of their names yet) in her mouth right there. exciting! Walking back to the office I spotted 3 of my toms on someone's desk- I felt oddly joyful.

Then I heard about EKP and I felt sad with a swirl o' mad. I hope every yoga pose is a burst of good health and healing. 

I like facebook because it gives me a reason to take pictures of myself.

My workload is going to start ramping up and I'm tres excited to be busy again. Having little to do at work makes this lady act like a 7 year old boy with ADHD. My battle with Quickbooks is almost over, it will be my first significant victory at PCG.

I hope your day is monumental mijn kleine vogel-

mle

What's Up, Bag Full of Dicks?

chuckle chuckle

- or is it sack full? anyhoo. are you out there Luke, proud poppa to be?

My sister and I are going out tonight, and we are treeessssss excitoche! I also invited facebook, but it hasn't confirmed.

My neighbor's tomatoes are so tall and straight and well groomed.

Mine on the other hand, not so much. 

Ode To A Pole Bean:

you are a beautiful sculpture,

pole bean

I have a hankerin for a slice of Yankton before it gets super cold. 

My favorite dog got a bath today for the first time in a good 6 months. maybe even 7. He was covered in the mess of 2 surgeries, and many trips to underwater treadmill therapy for his knee. He looks so pretty! His hair has almost grown back. He is way too macho for a shaved leg. 

I'm hoping to have plenty of time to blog this weekend, as my husband is taking the dogs for a romantic and relaxing getaway in the mountains. 

He also invited me.

I'm off to get ready for dinner at Bistro One- it's my third time going and I hope it's a charm!

Love you sloppy seconds-

Emily Guggenheim.

Take a Chance Take a Chance Take a Chance on Me!

Hey Lesbians. 

Sometimes writing is like someone making you go into the bathroom and sit there until you poop.

My huz finally turned 35, the celebration was tres fun.

bor-ring. Late August is dumb sometimes. 

Monday night we went to Elway's and had a big ass dinner. It was a lovely lovely treat. Some people heart indoor water features.

I was just alerted by my friend facebook that Aunt Jane confirmed me- awesome! 

Aunt Jane rocks. I'm off to write on her board.

Bon soir my biche-

Emily

 

Hello Fart Knockers

I have been avoiding you like the plague- hot damn!

I wrote a few posts for this other faux blog I was working on,

but they were dumb. All sappy and molasses.

I went to St. Louis and it was 

SUPER

FUN.

My lady friend Suzanne is opening a new restaurant called Deluxe- tres exciting!

suzanne+owning a restaurant=duh! best idea ever

I laughed a ton when I was there-

I almost peed my pants 14 times.

I met a photographer 

and jealously admired other people's mail.

I came home on Sunday

and cried the whole day.

oh vacation

tres jardore tu el mucho

lazy sigh

Today I was wishing I could blog about the super lovely family dinner we had last night, complete with pictures

pictures

pictures.

But I didn't take any, and I didn't have a blog.

laziness: 0

vandercandy: 1