I'm So Glad You Told Me- The Edited Version

Ready for a downpour?

My husband started a business a few years ago and last year I quit my retail job (after working there for close to a year I was almost out anyway) to work for him full time. It's been an experience full of drama, bullshit, learning, no health insurance, learning, drama, bullshit, learning, no money (save for the occasional guilty pleasure), 

more DELETE

more DELETE

more DELETE-

being in a position where I feel the fiercest emotions of protecting what I think I'm supposed to be doing- I equate this to the closest feeling of motherhood that I'll ever get. This is, after all, my husband's dream. I am happy to join his dream adventure, as being his main lady is my number one dream. Me, some uneducated lady, assisting him as he builds a successful company.

2007 was full of sneaky bastards and some major mistakes. 2008 has blessed us with some amazing people who've joined our team and who work relentlessly to make his company strong. As the QuickBooks lady, there have been times of irritation as I struggle to figure out things like taxes, DELETE. Some days have been frustrating- like DELETE when we're DELETE. But I understand that it's par for the course and stifling my overly-active

(times 1 million)

emotions which have 

no 

place 

in the 

work

place

has been personally challenging, but necessary. 

However-

however, 

there is only so much a lady (this lady) can handle.

My husband told me a while ago that the person who handles expenses is always the least liked person (I find this to be crushing news). That sucks. Most of my job experiences have been unusual (to say the least), and full of out of the ordinary, twisty and entwined relationships with people. It's taken me a long time to come to the realization that co-workers aren't there for friendships. Accepting this fact has taken even longer. But I get it now, I really do. I sit in the back of our office at my desk, knowing that the employees think the only reason I'm there is because I'm 

The Wife.

I've stopped protesting things like DELETE (even though I thought that was part of what I was supposed to be doing), stopped pushing for things like DELETE even though I'm the only person there DELETE

(did I mention that doing the books also comes with the hideous job of being the HR person?)-

I've been stifling my feelings,

trying to learn,

trying to be good, trying to be supportive

but being The Wife at the office is 

wearing

on

me.

One of our previous employees (who happens to be a beloved family member- alert!) wants to come back to work and even though the way things were left previously (it's hard out here for a cousin) were a little weird, sad, and frustrating (for a lack of a better explanation)- it makes total sense for the company and I support it 110%. I have voiced my support for this on more than one occasion-

not that anyone was listening.

There was a meeting today with my husband and his 2 directors regarding the situation and I pushed my way into being a part of that conversation as I've been working for said company longer than anyone else and I actually had some valuable things to add to the discussion. During the course of the conversation, it was clear that my DELETE was a factor DELETE  (it's hard out here for The Wife!). I desperately wanted to tell the 2 directors that I wasn't the most

Evil

Cunt

Ever,

but I didn't. 

Well, I tried a little. But only because other people were being offered the opportunity to express themselves. But alas, the conversation quickly went South, and in true lady fashion I got a tad teary in my frustration for being completely disregarded. The 2 directors left my husband's office, and before there was even any spillage of tears my husband told me to 

DELETE A DELETE Woman

and

DELETE At Work.

When I told him he would never say that DELETE-

it was only followed by a barrage of confusing information about business, and how

I DELETE (condensed version)

and an even more confusing-to-decipher grouping of words that I could only understand to mean that 

I Am DELETE.

 

 

I feel sick, and slightly confused

but there's also some clarity

and a desire to never feel or say anything ever again.

There were a few minutes of wishing I could DELETE just so I could have DELETE-

but we all know that I would never say that out loud 

and I would never ever actually mean it.

 

5 cigarettes, a banana, a cambric

and one blog post later- I dread going home. The only thing I can think to do is go to the bookstore

and buy myself a book. Take it home

read it in the bathtub

and wait for my period to start.

I feel confident in my ability to return to work tomorrow and proceed as usual, but with a DELETE. Though I want to vomit.

 

Anyone?